Dear Raccoon,
Let’s start this off with saying that I am not an animal hater. And in general I have nothing against raccoons. I actually think that in the right context you and your friends are kind of cute. From a distance. However, it has come to my attention that lately you and your friends have decided that you have a right to my yard. I truly do my best to be tolerant of the many creatures that make their home in my yard. Unfortunately for you there is a size limit on animals that are allowed to make their home in my yard and you are larger than that limit.
I realize that you may think that I am being unkind and biased against you, but I must insist that you please leave my property for good. My plea is backed by the many ways in which you and your friends make yourselves pests. Let’s start with the cherry trees. I am most certain that you have eaten more cherries off that tree than I have (of note they are much better if you wait until they ripen, but you don’t seem to have the patience.) In addition, do you remember just a few weeks ago when you destroyed my front flower planters? Those hyacinths were a gift! You had no right to tear them to pieces and unearth the bulbs. The list goes on with troubles like ripping apart our just-filled yard waste bags and leaving the shreds all over our lawn. And then not to mention scaring the neighborhood children and startling me in the morning while I am on my way out the door to work. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that you were supposed to be afraid of humans? I find this behavior to be most unacceptable.
As you can see clearly the appropriate response is for you to leave my property and never to return. I do not want to see you and your kits parading across my fence again this year. Please pack your bags and vacate immediately. If I must urge again it may be in a much more unpleasant manner and so I encourage full cooperation.
Thank you in advance.
Love, Megan